30 Teams in 30 Sentences:
|1986 classic beards courtesy fangraphs|
National League West
1. San Francisco Giants: Great hair (Lincecum); outstanding beards (Romo and Wilson), and the best individual nickname in baseball - Kung Fu Panda (Sandoval).
2. Arizona Diamondbacks: I am demanding free tickets to Dback games before I spontaneously pander to the Arizona Diamondback enthusiasts by elevating the crotalus atrox namesakes to elite status in 2012.
3. Los Angeles Dodgers: Did you hear an ownership consortium led by Magic Johnson recently got approved to buy the Dodgers......does this mean Magic gets free Dodger Dogs?
4. Colorado Rockies: It was announced today that 49 year old Jamie Moyer earned a spot in the Rockies starting rotation - do I need to say anything more?
5. San Diego Padres: I am surprised the Padres have not attempted to revive the career of former Friar super farmhand and best selling author, Dirk Hayhurst, considering the rotation is led by Tim Stauffer.
American League West
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (formerly known as the Calfiornia Angels, the Halos, Anaheim Angels, Arte's Assassins and Chico's Bail Bonds): They have Albert Pujols, Arte Moreno (owner and fellow University of Arizona graduate), and their Spring Training home in Tempe, AZ is five minutes from me -the CT sphere of influence is always a factor.
2. Texas Rangers: The twisted imaginary images of Japanese pitching phenom Darvish Yu riding the mechanical bull at Gilley's nightclub in Dallas, Texas decked out in a big cowboy hat and a big ass belt buckle impressing the local cowgirls who are undoubtedly soaked in an overabundance of powerful vanilla scented stripper perfume and sporting identity shielding sun glasses is so worth this non baseball related run on sentence.
3. Oakland A's: The A's are 1-1 after the much anticipated season opening series in Japan against the Seattle Mariners and it is all downhill from here.
3. Seattle Mariners: The Mariners are 1-1 after the much anticipated season opening series in Japan against the Oakland A's and it is all downhill from here.
National League Central
1. Milwaukee Brewers: Rest assured, the loud mouthed Nyjer Morgan (aka Tony Plush) will say something stupid, but the Brew Crew will overcome his self absorbed ramblings to win their second consecutive central title powered by their
2. Cincinnati Reds: Where is Mario Soto?
3. Pittsburgh Pirates: The Pirates will sport a winning record for the first time since Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit was popular 20 years ago-- and YES, I will rock the Pirate Parrot costume this year for Halloween if the Pirates do NOT win 81 games. (tie goes to the writer)
4. St. Louis Cardinals: I believe the Cardinals exercised all of their karma after last season's miraculous run winning the 2011 World Series Series; unless Jason Lee, who played the character Earl Hickey on the My Name is Earl television sitcom, shows up to spread some more karma around Busch Stadium.
5. Chicago Cubs: 1908..and counting.
6. Houston Astros: The Astros National League adios tour may result in performances that would embarrass the Washington Generals, the deliberately ineffective opponent of the Harlem Globetrotters. .
American League Central
1. Detroit Tigers: If Justin Verlander attempts to pull any douche bag antics like he did last year when Erik Aybar bunted in an attempt to break up his no hitter in the eighth inning of a three run game, I hope that the Tigers and Veralander's "Fastball Flakes" flame out because of his interpretation of some archaic unwritten rule.
2. Kansas City Royals: Their opening day starter, Bruce Chen, is a Panamanian with Chinese descent whose middle name, Kastulo, means "beaver" and that is all you need to know about the second best team in this shitty baseball division.
3. Cleveland Indians: Curious if the Wahoos plan a "Die-hard Night" at Progressive Field permitting free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a World Series? (1948)
4. Chicago White Sox: After this year, new manager Robin Ventura will still be best known for getting pummeled by a 46 year old Nolan Ryan in 1993.
5. Minnesota Twins: In October, the average temperature in the Twin Cities is 49 degrees and it is considered the windiest month of the year - no impact on this year's squad.
National League East
1. Miami Marlins: Seriously, who can't love a team that has Ozzie Guillen as manager, a new stadium, and a new logo that appears to be designed by a club promoter under the influence of his clientele's mood enhancers?
2. Philadelphia Phillies: Aside from having arguably the best starting rotation in the major leagues led by Roy Halladay, Cole Hammels, and Cliff Lee, their ballgirls have a blog on MLB.com.
3. Washington Nationals: I am interested in watching a healthy Stephen Strasburg pitch and not much else about the team that represents Washington D.C., the center of world corruption.
4. Atlanta Braves: The Braves blew a 10 1/2 game lead with just over one month to play in 2011 over the St. Louis Cardinals and there is no chance that they will bounce back in Chipper Jones final season.
5. New York Mets: Hey, they still have Mr. Met.
American League East
1. New York Yankees: Personally, after a once in a lifetime experience last year due to the grace of the baseball god's directing a St. Louis Cardinal World Series Championship and an Arizona Diamondback worst to first season in 2011 (I'm a STL fan and attend several Arizona Diamondback games), I expect a reversal of my good baseball fortune - and that means the New York Yankees will dominate.
2. Toronto Blue Jays: It is a big stretch of the imagination to think the Blue Jays can put it all together in 2012 and challenge the titans of the AL East, however, it is my blog and I can do what I want-plus, they have Jose Bautista.
3. Boston Red Sox: They banned beer but not fried chicken?
4. Tampa Bay Rays: There is no tangible reason I should be predicting the Rays fourth in the AL East this year considering pitching phenom Matt Moore will be up for the entire season joining All Stars David Price and 3B Evan Longoria - except I have a feeling it is going to be one of those years for the Rays -so, I will chat this over with my psychologist and get back to you if anything changes.
5. Baltimore Orioles: Ahhhh, what the Buck?
NL Wildcards: Philadelphia Phillies and Cincinnati Reds
AL Wildcards - Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers
World Series: New York Yankees over the San Francisco Giants
I have to go throw up now.
Until Next Time,