2012 Major League Baseball Preview: 30 teams in 30 sentences.

I could get into a variety of long winded details and statistics previewing each Major League Baseball team in 2012....then again, I could just drop some next level shit that nobody has thought about going into the season.... such as...why the Boston Red Sox will suck because they did not hire me to replace Terry Francona as manager in the off season; or how the Pittsburgh Pirates will bail me out of rocking the Pirate's Parrot costume for Halloween again this year.

30 Teams in 30 Sentences:

1986 classic beards courtesy fangraphs

National League West
1.  San Francisco Giants:  Great hair (Lincecum); outstanding beards (Romo and Wilson), and the best individual nickname in baseball - Kung Fu Panda (Sandoval).
2.  Arizona Diamondbacks:  I am demanding free tickets to Dback games before I spontaneously pander to the Arizona Diamondback enthusiasts by elevating the crotalus atrox namesakes to elite status in 2012.
3.  Los Angeles Dodgers:  Did you hear an ownership consortium led by Magic Johnson recently got approved to buy the Dodgers......does this mean Magic gets free Dodger Dogs?
4.  Colorado Rockies:  It was announced today that 49 year old Jamie Moyer earned a spot in the Rockies starting rotation - do I need to say anything more?
5.  San Diego Padres:   I am surprised the Padres have not attempted to revive the career of  former Friar super farmhand and best selling author, Dirk Hayhurst, considering the rotation is led by Tim Stauffer.

American League West
1.  Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (formerly known as the Calfiornia Angels, the Halos, Anaheim Angels, Arte's Assassins and Chico's Bail Bonds):  They have Albert Pujols, Arte Moreno (owner and fellow University of Arizona graduate), and their Spring Training home in Tempe, AZ is five minutes from me -the CT sphere of influence is always a factor.
2.  Texas Rangers:  The twisted imaginary images of Japanese pitching phenom Darvish Yu riding the mechanical bull at Gilley's nightclub in Dallas, Texas decked out in a big cowboy hat and a big ass belt buckle impressing the local cowgirls who are undoubtedly soaked in an overabundance of powerful vanilla scented stripper perfume and sporting identity shielding sun glasses is so worth this non baseball related run on sentence.
3.  Oakland A's:  The A's are 1-1 after the much anticipated season opening series in Japan against the Seattle Mariners and it is all downhill from here.
3.  Seattle Mariners:  The Mariners are 1-1 after the much anticipated season opening series in Japan against the Oakland A's and it is all downhill from here.

National League Central
1.  Milwaukee Brewers:  Rest assured, the loud mouthed Nyjer Morgan (aka Tony Plush) will say something stupid, but the Brew Crew will overcome his self absorbed ramblings to win their second consecutive central title powered by their  roided metabolite machine Ryan Braun.
2.  Cincinnati Reds:  Where is Mario Soto?
3.  Pittsburgh Pirates:  The Pirates will sport a winning record for the first time since Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit was popular 20 years ago-- and YES, I will rock the Pirate Parrot costume this year for Halloween if the Pirates do NOT win 81 games.  (tie goes to the writer)
4.  St. Louis Cardinals:  I believe the Cardinals exercised all of their karma after last season's miraculous run winning the 2011 World Series Series; unless Jason Lee, who played the character Earl Hickey on the My Name is Earl television sitcom, shows up to spread some more karma around Busch Stadium.
5.  Chicago Cubs:  1908..and counting.
6.  Houston Astros:  The Astros National League adios tour may result in performances that would embarrass the Washington Generals, the deliberately ineffective opponent of the Harlem Globetrotters.  .

American League Central
1.  Detroit Tigers:  If Justin Verlander attempts to pull any douche bag antics like he did last year when Erik Aybar bunted in an attempt to break up his no hitter in the eighth inning of a three run game, I hope that the Tigers and Veralander's "Fastball Flakes" flame out because of his interpretation of some archaic unwritten rule.
2.  Kansas City Royals:  Their opening day starter, Bruce Chen, is a Panamanian with Chinese descent whose middle name, Kastulo, means "beaver" and that is all you need to know about the second best team in this shitty baseball division.
3.  Cleveland Indians:  Curious if the Wahoos plan a "Die-hard Night" at Progressive Field permitting free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won a World Series? (1948)
4.  Chicago White Sox:  After this year, new manager Robin Ventura will still be best known for getting pummeled by a 46 year old Nolan Ryan in 1993.
5.  Minnesota Twins:  In October, the average temperature in the Twin Cities is 49 degrees and it is considered the windiest month of the year - no impact on this year's squad.

National League East
1.  Miami Marlins:  Seriously, who can't love a team that has Ozzie Guillen as manager, a new stadium, and a new logo that appears to be designed by a club promoter under the influence of his clientele's mood enhancers?
2.  Philadelphia Phillies:  Aside from having arguably the best starting rotation in the major leagues led by Roy Halladay, Cole Hammels, and Cliff Lee, their ballgirls have a blog on MLB.com.
3.  Washington Nationals:  I am interested in watching a healthy Stephen Strasburg pitch and not much else about the team that represents Washington D.C., the center of world corruption.
4.  Atlanta Braves:  The Braves blew a 10 1/2 game lead with just over one month to play in 2011 over the St. Louis Cardinals and there is no chance that they will bounce back in Chipper Jones final season.
5.  New York Mets:  Hey, they still have Mr. Met. 

American League East
1.  New York Yankees:  Personally, after a once in a lifetime experience last year due to the grace of the baseball god's directing a St. Louis Cardinal World Series Championship and an Arizona Diamondback worst to first season in 2011 (I'm a STL fan and attend several Arizona Diamondback games), I expect a reversal of my good baseball fortune - and that means the New York Yankees will dominate.
2.  Toronto Blue Jays:  It is a big stretch of the imagination to think the Blue Jays can put it all together in 2012 and challenge the titans of the AL East, however, it is my blog and I can do what I want-plus, they have Jose Bautista.
3.  Boston Red Sox:  They banned beer but not fried chicken?
4.  Tampa Bay Rays:  There is no tangible reason I should be predicting the Rays fourth in the AL East this year considering pitching phenom Matt Moore will be up for the entire season joining All Stars David Price and  3B Evan Longoria - except I have a feeling it is going to be one of those years for the Rays -so, I will chat this over with my psychologist and get back to you if anything changes.  
5.  Baltimore Orioles:  Ahhhh, what the Buck? 

NL Wildcards:  Philadelphia Phillies and Cincinnati Reds
AL Wildcards - Toronto Blue Jays and Texas Rangers

World Series:  New York Yankees over the San Francisco Giants

I have to go throw up now.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@That_Dude_CT

Recently cut Houston Texan Eric Winston receives season ticket solicitation from the....Houston Texans.

Apparently, the Houston Texans luxury suite sales department did not receive the memo that the on field decision makers parted ways with their All Pro right guard, Eric Winston.

Houston Texans Luxury Suite Sales:
This is the ideal environment to build relationships, social with friends and family, and enjoy the excitement of Houston Texans football. 

Eric Winston via Twitter:
Just got a letter from the Texans trying to get me to buy a suite for next year. Guess somebody didn't get the memo...

I am not sure which is worse, the fact the Texans failed to delete a player they cut less than three weeks ago from their marketing database, or the cheeZy night club type image they are promoting for a football game.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@That_Dude_CT

Celebrating Tiger Woods first win in 923 days with Steel Panther.

"Just Like Tiger Woods" -Steel Panther

Awesome.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@That_Dude_CT

Twitter:  Steel Panther

Cancer doesn't change Derrick Hall's outlook on life. (repost from an article in the L.A. Times by T.J. Simers)

TJ Simers of the LA Times featured Arizona Diamondbacks President/CEO Derrick Hall https://twitter.com/#!/DHallDbacks  inspiring battle with prostrate cancer. 


T.J. Simers/LA Times excerpt:

When he gets the call in September he has cancer he's with the team in San Diego. He takes a hotel notepad and writes down what he will miss in life, beginning with wife Amy.

"Can't look in Aim's beautiful eyes.

"Can't hear [daughter] Ky say, 'Daddy.'

"Can't pet the Deets [the family dog].

"Won't see how much [son] Logan looks like me.

"Won't see what [son] Hayden becomes.

"Won't lay next to Amy in bed.

"Won't get NY apartment [a husband and wife shared dream].

"Won't walk Ky down the aisle.

"Won't be great Commish.

"Can't comfort each other as empty nesters.

"Don't want Ky to cry every night about how she misses Daddy and then five years later saying, 'I don't remember Daddy.'"

He takes a breath. "That's horrifying," says D-Hall, returning the list to his pocket. "Until I'm cleared …"

When he first tells his kids, he already knows his grandfather has died of prostate cancer and his father is dying from pancreatic cancer. He worries for his 16- and 13-year-old sons.

His 10-year old daughter, Kylie, loses it. "She equates any cancer to what happened to her grandfather, and now this is going to happen to Daddy," he says.

He undergoes surgery at USC in November, a few days later his wife finds a message written in magic markers in their daughter's room:

"My Daddy is a cancer survivor. He will walk me down the aisle. Like he said."

Ky has underlined, "like he said," three times.

Read "Cancer doesn't change Derrick Hall's outlook on life" in it's entirety here.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

@That_Dude_CT

Michael Irvin: "Enough CANE on CANE Crime."

The PLAYMAKER Michael Irvin has turned into a PEACEMAKER.

Former University of Miami star Michael Irvin has requested that former University of Miami football players Warren Sapp and Jeremy Shockey stop the finger pointing and grade school antics regarding Sapp's tweet indicating Jeremy Shocking was the "snitch" about the costly bounty program run by the New Orleans Saints.

Irvin:

@JeremyShockey & @QBKILLA Enough CANE on CANE Crime!!!!!

Can't these Canes just get along and give peace a chance?

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

@that_dude_ct







Warren Sapp tweets that Jeremy Shockey was the snitch regarding Bounty Gate.

Is that you Jeremy?

If you like grade school finger pointing, look no further than former NFL All Pro Warren Sapp tweeting former New Orleans Saints TE Jeremy Shockey was the "snitch" regarding the Saints bounty program that cost them their coach for the 2012 NFL season.


Warren Sapp tweets:    Warren Sapp ‏ @QBKILLA

BINGO! RT @elnicastro: Shockey..? RT QBKILLA: Just Heard Who The Snitch Was

Jeremy Shockey tweets his response:

@QBKILLA ask the comish haha

AND

Shockey follows up with the "f" bomb tweet in reply to one of his followers:  

@JLawMiamiDoll thx fuck them!! Sapp and a know where to find me.

Deciphering twitter talk for non twitter users:

Sapp responds to a twitter follower in relation to Sapp's tweet that he "just heard who the snitch was."
Sapp confirms Shockey was the snitch (according to Warren) with a "Bingo."
Shockey responds with the ever popular - "you know where to find me" tweet as a form of denial.

Let the what goes on in the locker room stays in the locker room debate begin.

Maybe Warren Sapp could use a life coach?

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

@that_dude_ct

Manning Face

Full disclosure:  I am a big Peyton Manning fan even though he dissed the Arizona Cardinals, signing with the Denver Broncos. 


You all ready for this Denver?


Manning Face:

(Courtesy Fitzy01821 via YouTube.)

Denver fans...just be prepared for the Curse of Tebow.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

@That_Dude_CT



Arizona KTVK newscaster: "I lost a BUCK" on KTVK upon hearing Peyton Manning signs with the Denver Broncos.

Newscaster Kaley O"Kelley of Good Morning Arizona reacted to the news of Peyton Manning signing with the Denver Broncos by letting out a loud "I just lost a BUCK." 

However, according to Deadspin.com, she dropped the big no-no "F" bomb on air. 

You make the call.

Kayley O'Kelley on Good Morning Arizona:

O'Kelley tweeted out afterwards that she should have said "I lost a dollar." 

 I actually lost a bet w/ my dad and said, "I just lost a buck". Lesson learned should've said "dollar"

Actually, as a Cardinal fan that rocks Big Red colored glasses, I was the one that said F*#$. 

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@That_Dude_CT

Peyton Manning chooses Denver. Futures odds move to 9-1 to win 2013 Super Bowl.

If you are a Denver Broncos fan and believe that Peyton Manning is your ticket to a 2013 Super Bowl Championship, I have one question for you:

Why weren't you reading The Show Speak last week when I advised you to place your futures bet NOW?

The Broncos, who are reportedly in the final stages of contract negotiations with Peyton Manning, have moved to 9-1 live futures odds to win the 2013 Super Bowl in New Orleans, LA. on February 3, 2013. 

Super Bowl Futures Odds Last Week vs. Today:

Team	Odds Today	Odds Mar 14, 2012
Denver Broncos	9-1	25-1
Miami Dolphins	35-1	18-1
Tennessee Titans	40-1	40-1
Arizona Cardinals	60-1	30-1

                                                   Odds courtesy Sportsbook.com

At least as an Arizona Cardinal fan, I get a little more bang for my wagered dollar.  

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

@That_Dude_CT

How will Peyton Manning influence odds to win the 2013 Super Bowl?

Are you a degenerative gambler? 

If you answered either "yes" or "maybe" to this question - you may want to take a good look at NFL Super Bowl Futures odds courtesy the Vegas Insider and Sportsbook.com. 

There are 50-1 odds on four teams frequently mentioned as a potential suitor for Peyton Manning:  Arizona, Denver, Tennessee, and Miami. 

Odds to Win 2013 Super Bowl XLVII from New Orleans, Louisiana (2/3/13)
Team	Odds
Green Bay Packers	5/1
New Orleans Saints	6/1
New England Patriots	7/1
Pittsburgh Steelers	12/1
Philadelphia Eagles	12/1
Baltimore Ravens	12/1
Houston Texans	15/1
San Diego Chargers	15/1
San Francisco 49ers	20/1
New York Giants	20/1
Dallas Cowboys	20/1
New York Jets	20/1
Atlanta Falcons	20/1
Detroit Lions	20/1
Chicago Bears	30/1
Indianapolis Colts	40/1
Cincinnati Bengals	40/1
Buffalo Bills	50/1
Carolina Panthers	50/1
Kansas City Chiefs	50/1
Miami Dolphins	50/1
Arizona Cardinals	50/1
Denver Broncos	50/1
Tennessee Titans	50/1
Oakland Raiders	50/1
Seattle Seahawks	50/1
St. Louis Rams	100/1
Minnesota Vikings	100/1
Tampa Bay Buccanneers	100/1
Jacksonville Jaguars	100/1
Washington Redskins	100/1
Cleveland Browns	100/1

Odds provided via Vegas Insider.

If you have a strong feeling as to where Peyton Manning will end up, believe that he will be healthy in 2012-2013 and have some spare change laying around-NOW may be a good time to wager, because the decision is coming soon.

My big red colored glasses suggest Peyton Manning will be a Cardinal. 

You can bet on it.  

Until next time,

Craig Turley
@That_Dude_CT

Update:  Sportsbook.com has Arizona at 30/1; Denver at 25/1; Tennessee 40/1; and Miami 18/1. 

What you should know before you pick your 2012 NCAA Men's basketball brackets.

Will your brackets look like MC Hammer on crack?

All right. 
Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin...

Before you hit "enter" and submit your 2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Championship brackets, maybe you should consider the lineage of a really bad loss. 

You ask, "What is a lineage of a really bad loss?"

It's simple.  

The lineage of a really bad loss strategy is the attempt by one fan to minimize the superiority of another fan's team by introducing a "an opponent of an opponent that beat stated superior team." This opponent of an opponent model then results in justifying there is no clear "lock" in any game played in the NCAA tournament.     

 (ex: Team A beats Team B,  Team B beat Team C...and so forth-until your point is justified)

And this folks, is how I have come to the conclusion that a tiny division II basketball program from Urbana, Ohio could compete with the overwhelming NCAA Men's basketball favorite Kentucky Wildcats on any given day.   

Seriously, sort of. 

The Lineage of a Really Bad Loss:

Urbana > Chicago State > Houston Baptist > Campbell > Iowa > Indiana > Kentucky

2/25/2012      Division II Urbana beats Chicago State -1st win ever over a DI program.  (rivals) 
2/16/2012       Chicago State defeats Houston Baptist 65-56.  (yahoo)
12/14/2011     Houston Baptist beats the Campbell University Fighting Camels 87-76.  (Go Camels)
11/23/2011     Campbell thumps the University of Iowa 77-61.  (espn)
2/19/2012       Iowa upsets Indiana University 78-66.
12/10/2011     Indiana beats Kentucky on epic buzzer beater 73-72.  (youtube)

You can't fight the facts. 

Good luck in your brackets........peace and humptiness forever.

Craig Turley
CT on Twitter

Special shout out to Digital Underground for the inspired lyrics to open and close the lineage of a loss public service announcement. 

Now go fill out your brackets!

Peyton Manning will be an Arizona Cardinal

Penalty Flag Blog

Seriously, the only thing that can get me sidetracked from Spring Training in the Phoenix metro area on the 2nd Saturday of March is Peyton Manning stopping in town for a test drive of the Arizona Cardinals organization.

Manning, who was in Denver yesterday speaking with John Elway and the Denver Broncos, has reportedly narrowed his "preferred" list to the Broncos, Cardinals and the Miami Dolphins - who he will visit in the next few days. 

Viewing life through my Cardinal red colored glasses, there is only one stop that makes sense if Manning is truly seeking a team constructed to win "now" - the Arizona Cardinals.

Let's take a look at why Peyton Manning will be an Arizona Cardinal in 2012:

Larry Fitzgerald:  Fitz is the best receiver in the league, period.  Fitzgerald has missed only four games in his professional career since coming into the league in 2004 and he is signed through 2018.  Fitzgerald is a team leader and a pro's pro with his work ethic. Oh, and did I mention Fitz had playoff experience?  He happens to own the greatest single season playoff performance in the history of the game from 2008 with 30 receptions, 546 receiving yards and 7 touchdowns.   Fitzgerald has been there, done that. 
Advantage Cardinals

Myth and Money:   Let's put to end the myth the Bidwell's are cheap.  While the Bidwell's were notoriously cheap dating back to the St. Louis era,  it is no longer the case in Arizona.  The Cardinals have made Larry Fitzgererald the highest paid WR in football, paid Darnell Dockett $30 million guaranteed with two years left on his contract in 2010,  and Coach Ken Whisenhunt and GM Rod Graves are locked up through 2013 with a team option for 2014.  In addition to the obvious big name spending, the Cardinals have done a much better job maintaining key support staff such as strength and conditioning coach John Lott.  These are hardly moves of a "cheap" franchise and the myth the Bidwell's are cheap is a distant memory.
Not a disadvantage anymore. 

The dome effect:  Peyton Manning is a smart man.  His talents are obvious assuming he is healthy.  Peyton will put himself in the best position to perform and succeed personally.  What is better than playing 11 of your 16 regular season games in a dome?  Nothing. 
Advantage Cardinals 2012 schedule.   

In addition to the Fitz, the Money Myth, and the Dome influences; Peyton Manning will see a Cardinal defense under Ray Horton that was much improved the second half of 2011, a special teams superstar in Patrick Peterson, and a coaching staff that has effectively integrated a future Hall of Fame quarterback, Kurt Warner, into their offensive scheme in years past.   

While the Broncos and Dolphins may have some nice components to sell Peyton Manning, no team in the league has more to offer the four time NFL MVP than the Arizona Cardinals. 

Did I mention it was 75 and sunny here today?

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@that_dude_ct

Jimmy Johnson, Buddy Ryan, and Mike Ditka talk "Bounty Bowl" (1989)

Flashback 1989. 

Jimmy Johnson:  "Having a bounty on opposing players is not the way it is suppose to be done."  Johnson, the Dallas Cowboys head football coach, was referring to the reported $200 bounty the Philadelphia Eagles placed on placekicker Luis Zendejas and a $500 bounty on quarterback Troy Aikman.

Buddy Ryan, head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, decided that belittling the future two time Super Bowl champion coach by hurling insults at him was the proper response to accusations of "bounties."  One of the several stupid comments Ryan fired off about Johnson in 30 seconds of barbaric trash talk was he "doesn't have the guts to take credit for a loss." 

Very classy.

Sure, the Cowboys lost that game; however, explain to me why Jesse Smalls targeted the special teams tackling dynamo (sarcasm) Luis Zendejas on this kickoff:

NFL Today:

Fortunately, Coach Ditka was available for comment and clarification that Buddy Ryan couldn't whoop any one's ass, specifically Da Coach's. 

While a bounty system is gutless in any era (eh, New Orleans?), lessons in "talkshitsu" never get old.

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley
@that_dude_ct


Credit for inserting "talkshitsu" into this flashback goes to cbaldwinjr.

St. Louis Cardinals spring training radio schedule:

The Mike Shannon spring training challenge is on. 

Oh, it's so on. 

The World Champion St. Louis Cardinals radio schedule begins with the name changing Miami Marlins on Monday, March 5, as the Cardinals face the formerly named Florida Marlins. 

Aside from the Marlins changing names from the Florida Marlins to the Miami Marlins, Miami's super slugger Mike Stanton has requested to be called Giancarlo this season.  Sprinkle in the fact Albert Pujols is no longer a Cardinal and you have the most interesting spring training radio broadcast of the week on Monday.

Cardinals press release:

As the St. Louis Cardinals begin the 2012 Spring Training schedule, fans will be able to catch all the warm-weather action from veteran broadcasters Mike Shannon and John Rooney on the team’s flagship station KMOX (AM 1120) and the Cardinals Radio Network.

The first of sixteen broadcasts will begin next Monday, March 5, as the Cardinals face the Miami Marlins. Beginning Saturday, March 10^th, every Saturday and Sunday broadcast will feature the Cardinals Pre-Game Show. 

Monday, March 5	vs. Miami	12:05 PM
Tuesday, March 6	@NY Mets	12:10 PM
Thursday, March 8	vs. Boston	12:05 PM
Saturday, March 10	@Miami	12:05 PM

Full Cardinal Radio Broadcast Schedule

Giancarlo.....Miami.....no Albert Pujols...1st radio broadcast of spring...fun for all!

Until Next Time,

Craig Turley

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