Everyone has a NFL Mock Draft.
38,400,000 results come up for "NFL Mock Draft 2012."
Outside of a few experts and my friend Bill, who has been analyzing potential drafts since the 90s with a dry erase board, NO ONE has a clue what will go down on NFL Draft night.
Which presents the question: "have you ever wondered why bird poo is white and human poo is not?"
I don't have the answer to the bird/human poo question; however, I can tell you if a professional baseball player was drafted by their corresponding city NFL franchise - this is how it would look according to the 2nd Annual NFL "Side Show" Mock Draft.
(Keep in mind some NFL teams are not in MLB cities. Also, keep in mind that I make the rules and stray from basic outline from time to time.)
Thanks to all that assisted in this bizarre, non sensible experiment.
|1||Colts||Phil Humber||P||Chicago White Sox||6-3||210|
Why try to be lucky when you can be perfect? The Colts Robert Irsay would not tweet me back to confirm the lyrics to what he had going on through his head, but I reason the Colts will go with Mr. Perfect,, Phil Humber, as the number one pick in the baseball to NFL Side Show Draft.
CT4REAL: Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
|2||Redskins||Alex Rodriguez||3B||New York Yankees||6-3||225|
Albert Haynesworth to Deion Sanders, Washington Redskin’s owner Dan Snyder consistently overpays for past their prime douche bag talent. A-Fraud qualifies in a grand way. Dan Snyder would gladly stiff the Nationals home grown talent in The Show's Major League Baseball talent to the NFL draft to ink Mr. Purple Lips and his B---H T----S.
CT4REAL: Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
|3||Vikings||Joe Mauer||C||Minnesota Twins||6-5||230|
The 2000 USA Today high school player of the year, Joe Mauer, QB, St. Paul Cretin-Durham Hall Raiders. Sorry Viking fans, but Christian Ponder was a terrible draft pick that you will pay for the next five years for. You can thank that Brett Favre guy. Mauer would be an upgrade at QB –for real.
CT4REAL: Matt Kalil, OT, USC
|4||Browns||Willie Mays Hayes||OF||Cleveland Indians||5-9||178|
The leadoff hitter for the Woo-hoo’s in the 1989 hit movie Major League, Willie Mays Hayes (played by Wesley Snipes) would add speed and class to a struggling Browns organization. Did you know that Wesley Snipes played the character in the original movie, however, Omar Epps took over the Willie Mays Hayes character in Major League II?
Now you do.
CT4REAL: Justin Blackmon, WR, OK ST
|5||Buccaneers||Joe Maddon||M||Tampa Bay Rays||Cool||Hair|
That's right. The coolest cat in the Tampa-ST. Pete (aside from my man RG1) is Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon. The Rays have guys that could play a little football (notably: Desmond Jennings and B.J. Upton), however the Buc's best trade ever involved giving up two first round picks, two second round picks and $8 million to the Oakland Raiders for the rights to coach Jon Gruden.
Drafting Joe Maddon is a bargain, comparatively.
CT4REAL: Trent Richardson, RB, BAMA
|6||Rams||Lance Lynn||P||St. Louis Cardinals||6-5||250|
In the words of McD in St. Lou-ie, Lynn is a flat out "beast." At 6-5 and 250 lbs, there is no doubt Lynn has the size to play in the NFL. He is helping St. Louis Cardinal baseball fans forget ace pitcher Chris Carpenter may be on the disabled list until the All Star break.
CT4REAL: Michael Floyd, WR, ND
|7||Jaguars||Tim Tebow||?||God Squad||6-2||236|
Like the cartoon character Savoir-Faire, who is everywhere, so is Tim Tebow.
Nothing else to add, except I think Jacksonville Jaguar owner Shahid Khan has a sweet mustache.
CT4REAL: Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
|8||Dolphins||Carlos Zambrano||P||Miami Marlins||6-4||275|
Every NFL team can use a little crazy, and that is what they can have in Big Z. Zambrano is violent, angry, unstable and could probably use a hug. Unlikable Dolphins owner Steven Ross and Carlos together - now that would be crazy.
Anyone wanna question this pick?
CT4REAL: Ryan Tannehill, QB, TAMU
|9||Panthers||Michael Jordan||OF||Birmingham Barons||6-6||250++|
Lest we forget Michael Jordan was a shitty baseball player before he was shitty owner of a shitty NBA basketball team. Charlotte is about to become the worst NBA team win-loss percentage wise in the history of the game. Playing a little baseball and/or getting drafted by the Panthers may make Michael forget about his problems like it did once before....a few decades ago.
Insert joke here.
CT4REAL: Fletcher Cox, DT, MS ST
|10||Bills||Josh Hamilton||OF||Texas Rangers||6-4||205|
How does a Texas Ranger become a Buffalo Bill you ask? It isn't easy. Buffalo doesn't have a solid baseball community, so I had to do a little Side Show specialty comparison. The Texas Rangers, runner up in the last two World Series, are becoming the Buffalo Bills of the NFL. The Bills were not victorious in four consecutive Super Bowls. Josh Hamilton is the best player on the second best team in baseball.
CT4REAL: Mark Barron, S, Alabama
|11||Chiefs||Jonathon Broxton||P||Kansas City Royals||6-4||300|
Mr. Big Britches, Jonathon Broxton, is the only choice for the Chiefs. Broxton already weighs in at a NFL ready 300 lbs. and sports a pant size two of his teammates can fit into.
CT4REAL: Luke Kuechly, LB, BC
|12||Seahawks||Edgar Martinez||DH||Seattle Mariners||6-0||175|
The twitter legend The Guru Stu stepped up and helped out the Side Show draft with the selection of Edgar Martinez, the best DH of all time. The Guru accurately pointed out the best specialty player in Mariner's history would be an easy choice to become the best long snapper of all time for the Seahawks.
Well done Guru Stu. #FACT.
CT4REAL: Courtney Upshaw, DE, BAMA
|13||Cardinals||Justin Upton||OF||Arizona Diamondbacks||6-2||215|
My favorite Arizona Diamondback would be a both sides of the ball standout. J-Up would team with RB Beenie Wells making the Cardinals running attack a devastating two headed monster, while roaming sideline to sideline dishing out punishment as a Steve Atwater type of safety.
Yeah, don't believe the hype - but what else did you expect on "my" pick?
CT4REAL: Riley Rief, OT, Iowa
|14||Cowboys||Darvish Yu||P||Texas Rangers||6-5||215|
Did you really think that I would pass up the opportunity to mention how funny it would be to see Yu Darvish (Darvish Yu) on a mechanical bull? Keeping him in the Dallas metro area all year around would increase the odds that he goes all John Travolta at Gilley's.
Maybe Jerry Jones would rock some identity shielding sunglasses to catch this act.
CT4REAL: Melvin Ingram, DE/OLB, SC
|15||Eagles||Ryan Howard||1B||Philadelphia Phillies||6-4||240|
As my Philly guy Rob said, "Ryan Howard is a beast." Howard could easily translate into an end rusher wreaking havoc on the NFC East like he does the NL East in baseball. Current achilles injury aside, I could see Ryan Howard becoming a beast in the NFL.
Excellent selection Rob.
CT4REAL: Stephon Gilmore, CB, SC
|16||Jets||Jon Rausch||P||New York Mets||6-11||290|
Since all the New York Mets are injured, my Mets-Jets correspondent elected to go with size. And Big Jon Rausch has size at 6-11 and 290. I'm not sure how that would translate on the football field every down, however, he would be effective at disrupting field goals.
Who cares, it's the Jets/Mets. Moving on.
CT4REAL: Quinton Coples, DE, NC
|17||Bengals||Drew Stubbs||OF||Cincinnati Reds||6-4||205|
Drew Stubbs is focused. Drew Stubbs has speed. Drew Stubb is prepared. He keeps a tool for strengthening hands and forearms and a copy of former NFL coach Tony Dungy's book “Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices & Priorities of a Winning Life” on his bedside table.
The Bengals may want to actually draft him to pair with AJ Green at WR.
CT4REAL: Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, BAMA
|18||Chargers||Cameron Maybin||OF||San Diego Padres||6-3||210|
Yaddy, the Southern California sports super fan, wasted no time selecting Cameron Maybin for his beloved San Diego Super Chargers. "Imagine Terrel Owens with Maybin's size, speed, and ability to run down a ball."
Superb choice, couldn't have said it better.
CT4REAL: Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB, ILL
Still reeling from the disappointment of the Blackhawks opening round playoff loss to the Phoenix Coyotes in the NHL, Bears fan decided it was best to stick with what they know - Da Coach.
Really, Ditka drafted by the Bears for the second straight year in the Side Show draft? Really?
CT4REAL: David DeCastro, OG, Stanford
|20||Titans||Scotty McCreery||P||Garner (NC) HS||American||Idol|
Hey, the kid can pitch. McCreery is pitching effectively for the Garner HS baseball team. Nashville is not known as a baseball city, however, Nashville can turn out some country music. Easy choice since the American Idol winner can pitch and sing.
CT4REAL: Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
|21||Bengals||Mike Leake||P||Cincinnati Reds||Criminal||Record|
This is an obvious dig at ASU graduates. The Bengals have a history of questionable character on their team. Mike Leake, pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds, was arrested for shoplifting last year. Yep, a big league pitcher shoplifting.
He should fit right in with the Bengals.
CT4REAL: Jonathon Martin, OT, Stanford
|22||Browns||Shin-Soo Choo||OF||Cleveland Indians||5-11||205|
Say it. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo. Shin-Soo Choo.
You get the idea. I like saying Shin-Soo Choo.
CT4REAL: Harrison Smith, S, ND
|23||Lions||Prince Fielder||1B||Detroit Tigers||5-11||275|
The price tag of $214 million for Fielder to play for the Tigers makes him obligated to play for the Lions as well. Additionally, at 275 lbs, Fielder has the body type to play alongside Ndamukong Suh-per Dirty.
Matt Millen Approved.
CT4REAL: Shea McClellin, OLB/DE, Boise St.
|24||Steelers||Andrew McCutchen||OF||Pittsburgh Pirates||5-10||185|
Andrew McCutchen can do it all. While most people in the continental United States keep up to speed on the Pirates through my frequent Pirate Parrot Costume updates, they really should be paying attention to McCutchen.
He is the real deal.
CT4REAL: Amini Silatolu, G/T, Midwestern ST
|25||Broncos||Jamie Moyer||P||Colorado Rockies||6-0||185|
My Denver fans said "Tulo" and "Car-go." However, since the Broncos won the Manning sweepstakes instead of my beloved Cardinals, I chose to override their selections and pick 49 year old pitcher, Jamie Moyer, for the Broncos.
CT4REAL: Dontario Poe, DT, Memphis
|26||Texans||Jose Altuve||2B||Houston Astros||5-5||170|
Have you seen Jose Altuve play baseball? At 5-5 and 170 lbs, he wouldn't appear to have much value in the NFL; however, as my guy Robert Garner (ghostheadfinder) stated: "could you imagine Altuve returning kicks for the Texans."
CT4REAL: Stephen Hill, WR, GA TECH
|27||Patriots||Dustin Pedroia||2B||Boston Red Sox||5-8||165|
The Patriots undoubtedly wanted to trade down and stock pile more draft picks. However, since it is my draft and this is the one place Bill Belichick can't control, I make Boston fans select Dustin Pedroia. Consider him Danny Woodhead 2.0.
Ha Ha Bill B.
CT4REAL: They will trade this pick.
|28||Packers||Ryan Braun||OF||Milwaukee Brewers||6-1||200|
Ryan Braun is the reigning MVP, the king of questioning positive drug tests, and the love of Wisconsin. Packer fans, like Brewer fans, bleed the colors of their team and to hell with everyone else.
CT4REAL: Doug Martin, RB, Bosie St
The 2011 NFL draft. The Ravens thought they had a deal done with the Chicago Bears, and it did not get completed because one Bear executive thought the other Bear executive submitted the finalized terms to the NFL. Meanwhile, the Ravens were on the clock and ran out of time when it was their turn to select.
CT4REAL: Dont'a Hightower, LB, BAMA
|30||49ers||Pablo Sandoval||3B||San Francisco Giants||5-11||240|
Kung-FU Panda. At 240 lbs. and the best nickname in baseball, Pablo Sandoval is an easy selection for Jim Harbaugh's 49ers. Additionally, the San Francisco fans can wear those sweet Kung Fu Panda hats all year around.
CT4REAL: Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
|31||Patriots||Kevin Youkalis||3B||Boston Red Sox||6-1||220|
Youkalis' draft stock is really sliding. Kevin has had his physical and emotional dedication questioned by a former manager of the Chiba Lotte Marines of the Nippon Professional Baseball League. Risky pick for the Patriots, but they have like a bajillion picks later in the draft, so they can afford to take a risk here.
CT4REAL: Nick Perry, DE, USC
|32||Giants||Curtis Granderson||OF||New York Yankees||6-1||195|
I love saying the G-Men. I also love if anyone can, the Grandy Man can. The G-Men and the Grandy-Man.
CT4REAL: Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
NO PICKS in the first round:
Atlanta, Oakland and New Orleans.
Enjoy the 2012 NFL Draft and thanks to all that helped with the 2nd Annual NFL "Side Show" Mock Draft.
I. AM. OUT.
Until Next Time,